Good Advice
Geordie’s son was getting married soon and he thought he should try to give him some words of wisdom about married life, born of the 30-odd years of his own experiences. He though carefully and ended up by saying: “Once you get married, remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always try to get the last two words in: “Yes dear” in a very firm voice.”
Age Becomes You
While passing through a Highland village, two middle-aged ladies stopped at a local hotel for a bite to eat. Sitting on a wall outside was a little, wizened old man, smoking a pipe. Before leaving, the ladies stopped to speak to him. One of the ladies commented on how cheery he was and asked for his secret for a long happy life. Taking his pipe from his mouth, the man replied: “I smoke 60 cigarettes plus an ounce of tobacco every day, I drink a case of whisky a week, I take no exercise and I eat fatty foods.” The ladies were surprised at the answer and one then asked how old he was. Once again removing his pipe, the little wizened man looked up and said “Thirty-six.”
Smart Alec
Wee Alec was the brightest lad in Primary 7 at Ballochmyle Primary. When the teacher asked the class “Can you name the Great Lakes in North America, between Canada and USA?” there was a pause, before Wee Alec’s hand shot up. “I don’t need to name them miss. Somebody else has already done that…”
How Many?
Josie was buying a “take-away” deep fried pizza from the local pizza parlour in Camlachie. When it was ready, the assistant asked if he wanted it cut into four or six pieces. Josie considered the options for a moment and then said brightly: “Just cut it into four – I don’t think I’m hungry enough to manage six pieces….”
Listen Here
Old Jock had been very hard of hearing for many years, but eventually his doctor got him fitted up with a very discreet hearing aid. A month later, Jock was back for a check-up and the doctor remarked that Jock’s family must be delighted that he could hear perfectly again. Jock grinned and remarked: “Och, I haven’t told them yet. I just listen to the conversations and don’t let on I can hear them now. I’ve changed my will three times already…”
Don’t Laugh!
Angus ran crying to his mother, rubbing his posterior. His mother asked: “Angus, why are you crying?” Angus sobbed, “Because daddy hit his thumb with the hammer!” His mother looked surprised at that and suggested that it wasn’t something to cry over – and he should have just laughed. Angus rubbed his behind and replied tearfully, “I DID laugh!”
Enjoyment?
Maggie was always complaining that Tam was spending too much time drinking at the local bar. Eventually, Tam suggested that Maggie should accompany him and one evening they both arrived at the Auchenshooglie Arms. “What’ll ye have?” he asked. “Oh, I don’t know. The same as you, I suppose.” So Tam ordered two large whiskies. He drank his in one gulp, while his wife took a small sip from the glass – and pulled a face and exclaimed: “It’s disgusting! I don’t know how you can drink this stuff.” Triumphantly Tam responded: “And all this time you thought I was enjoying myself!”
Who’s the Fool?
Tam was walking along a very narrow street in Craigmaddie when he came face to face with his arch enemy, Magnus. The street was too narrow for the two to pass and Magnus drew himself up to his full height and announced “I never make way for fools…” Tam smiled and stepped aside, remarking “I always do…”
Winners and Losers
Malcolm remarked to Fergus that one of their mutual friends always seemed to win at cards but kept losing when he placed a bet on a horse race. Fergus grunted “That’s because they won’t let him shuffle the horses.”
A True Scot
They say that a “True Scot” in North America is one whose ancestors came from Scotland – but who were born in North America to save the fare…
